ok, first entry. wow, this is exciting. i guess this is where im supposed to tell you about myself, but im not going to give up much. I'll start off by saying i'm a female...and ummmmm. thats all. sorry but this blog is merely an outlet for me to express my inner thoughts and feelings, not to meet people. although that would be nice, dont get me wrong, but im going to be completely honest in this blog and confidentiality makes honesty flow easier. so here is a more broad description;
I was born in 1989 to two middle class parents who had already had 2 other children. john my older brother (or thats what ill call him) is 25 and lives in new york. my sister,sara, is 21 and lives at home with us. she attends college and works 3 jobs. my brother is a computer programer for apple and he livees in chelsea, a suburb of new york city.
When I was born there was an era of my life that i like to call the golden era. this era was when i was young, innocent, naive, and curious about so many of lifes mysteries. it was when all of my siblings lived at home with me and most importantly, it was when my parents were still married. The golden age continued without any problems until i was in the third grade. my parents divorced and, even though i didnt know it, i was sent into a downward spiral of phycological problems. looking back now, i can see why i acted the way i did and what coused it. I must have felt so abandoned and lonely, but most of all, confused. you see, as crazy as this sounds, my parents never gave me an explanation as to why they divorced. yep, i shit you not. NO EXPLANATION. sure, throughout the years ive picked up on things that theyve both said when we were fighting. i came to the conclusion that my mom had an affair and married that man soon after the divorce. but i only believed what my dad told me, and now even though it kills me, im starting to doubt him as well. first let me explain the bond me and my dad have. If it wasn't for my dad i wouldnt be alive right now. hes the only person in my life who has fully convinced me that he loves me and i believe him. If it weren't for him, the only hope in my life, i wouldn't be alive. so many times ive come close to ending my life but the thought of being so far away from my dad always pulls me away from the idea. Anyway, my dad had pretty much convinced me that was the case with my mother but ever now and then i wonder if it could be something else.well, i wont go into any more detail on that subject but i will say that the experience of my parents divorce is still a huge issue in my life today (9 years later) and I dont think ill ever get over it.
On a lighter note. i like to think im a perfectly normal teenager, depite my past, and that probably how people view me. im sure some might say im a little weird but only in joking.
I do things every normal teenager does. I go to highschool, i have a job, friends, a dog, and i live in an average house. im not rich and im not poor. im probably somewhere just below middle class if i had to guess. but like most women in a small town, my moms very good at making it look like we have more than we do. i have a few close friends and a ton of aquaintances. throughout highschool you win some and you loose some but ive managed not to loose any. thankfully. i play a few musical instruments'flute, a little clarinet, and guitar. my dad is an awesome guitarist and hes taught me a few things. i played flute in the high school band since the 5th grade but i recently dropped out so i could focus on my grades my senor year. ya, i make pretty shitty grades. i know im smart enough to do most of it but honestly, im just lazy and stubborn. But next year will be different (i say that every year) because i really want to go to a certain college so im going to have to bring my grades up. I also have an amazing boyfriend. its long distance because he is in college but hes only a year older than me and we see each other every weekend. most people say "i dont know why your dating him" when they find out about us. its sort of a beauty and the beast thing but i dont care. i hate people who judge to quickly and are closed minded. i hate that more than anything. but ya, hes great. hes never really had a serious girlfriend before so i feel like im getting the royal treatment every time he does something for me. for example; its 11:15 am right now and i had a 2 hour convo. with him last nigh on the phone which ended at 12:30 last night. just now, even though i know hes in class and supposed to concentrating on other things he sent me a randomn text message that only reads "i miss u". gah, i miss him too. he has no idea. but ya, that my life in a nutshell, hope you enjoyed it.