my boyfriend and i are at that point where we are arguiing about pointless things and relying more and more on sex to make things better. I know hes a great guy, and weve always said we'd be together for a realllllly long time, but....things are really boring and shitty right now...what i need is excitement....
and excitement has a name.
ok, so his name i am def. gonna say is jake..even though its not.
well, jake is a few years (5 or 6) older than me and VERY cute. He's your every day tall, dark, handsome, charming, confident, intellingent, funny guy....
so ya, tough choice i know.
plus, hes liked me for a really long time and recently we started getting to know each other a lot better.
we had convo's online where he told me flat out he liked me a lot and it sucked i had a bf. he also hints at the fact that im taken all the time. ex; *while listening to a song the lyric "girls rock ya boyz" comes up and i jokingly changed it to slap and then playfully slapt his arm. then he says "slap your boy? im not your boy though. ....sadly"
:O i mean, COME ON! its like little by little he reminds me i cant have him which makes me want him more. gaaah!
did i mention hes been with only 2 other girls who he dated for a long time and fell in love with both of them? well, he has. and they were both gorgeous so that makes me feel very flattered. unfortunelty, they live in a town almost 6 hours away,.....
and so does he.
yep. i live very far north and he lives very far south.
it sucks a big pickle.
BUUUUT its only about a 50 min flight.
which i know because i went to see him this past weekend...
now before u jump to conclusions, nothing seroius happened.
ill tell you the most intense moment we had and then ill tell u the rest.
we were watching a movie and he put his arm around me and then i sort of leaned in and laid on his chest. then he took hes other arm and brushed my hair out of my face and kissed me on my forehead/ temple. then, he takes the same hand and starts to run his fingers over my left ear..all while watching a pg rated movie, mind you.
then, he leans in and whispers in my ear...what he said ill never know cuz at that point i was so turned on i had lost my ability to hear. then, (while i was trying to mentally get rid of my goose bumps) i realized how much he really likes me. he was being so sweet and gentle and nothing like someone who just wants to have sex.
anyway, other than that....he took me to a karoke place friday night and we both got a little tipsie. but nothing happened because we were with a group of people. or i pprobbly would have fucked him senseless. hoenstly.
then sat, we went ice skating together, and to a major league baseball game.
sun was when we saw the movie, and then i left.
i actually cried a little on the plane because i was so sad to go. i told some girl named heather i was crying because i had just visited my boyfriend and we werent going to see each other for a year because i was going to study abroad in france....what can i say? im a huge liar when i know im crying about something immature and i didnt want her to know that. the real reason
i was crying was because i knew i couldnt have him.
i knew that i couldn't break up with my boyfriend because i dont have the heart, and even if i did jake lives so far away it would be so difficult and expensive to see him....i could move there, but that would be a huge risk and definately alter the plans ive made for my future...anywayz. i ned advice i guess. if this were a tv show what would u want me to do next?
please gimme something.
~me
im not pregnant. never was. but i thought i was again a couple of times after that. i guess its good to be paranoid about things like that.
Now im done with school.
i graduated last friday.
things are strange now.
im living with my dad. still with the same guy. but hes 3hrs away until sunday.
i cant fully move in here because theres a giant desk in the way in my room.
ive been sleeping on the couch...
I dont really feel as if i live here yet. Im sort of stuck. i dont feel like i live anywhere.
theres nothing to do here either.
ive decided to get a job at a clothing store but i haven't given them my application back. im going tomorrow morning.
im hoping i will meet more people when i get a job and therefore have more things to do.
i watched The Queen yesterday.....
what a crazy family.
british people are cool though.
ill update later.
So i dont think im pregnant. i never took a test but i got my period so everythings cool. lata~
i think i might be pregnant.
ill update later.
i love sex.
i really do.
it feels so good and different than anything i've ever experienced.
its a feeling deep inside your gut thats like a wonderful, warm kiss.
And if you do it for all the right reasons at just the right time, its like someone kissing you a thousand times and filling you with their love. And what more can you ask of someone you truly love in return? it's almost as if for a moment, when your bodies are mashed together and your closer to them than ever before, your a part of them, and they are a part of you. and together you both equal, not a hand-holding, neck kissing, cute, coudley, high school couple, but one person with the best attributes and more love then anyone can imagine.
it's so much more than a penis inside a vagina.
its love.
and i cant wait to make more of it.
I am so attracted to him i cant stand it. and other times, im not at all. tonight we went to the movies, and as i kissed his neck and he ran his hands over my body without ever kissing me, i wanted him so badly. but then when we were alone in his car afterward, and his intentions were even more clear,i wanted nothing to do with him. its true that i miss him during the week when hes away, but when im with him i want to get to know him, and let him inside to get to know me. sometimes, though, i think he just wants me to take my clothes off.
tonight we had our first fight.
i talked to him about my ex-boyfriend (whom i dated for 2 1/2 years) and then when he realized something was bothering me he said "i missed you all week, i want to spend time with you, and right now your just letting peter*my ex-boyfriend* rule you." this frustrated me. he has no idea how wrong he is. peter wasnt even on my mind much less "rulling me". what was on my mind was what i mentioned earlier. about him wanting to be physical more than me. but i couldnt tell him that. i dont know why i couldnt; maybe i just didnt want to hurt him. But he needs to know how i feel about it.
im going to tell him later tonight.
i plan on sneeking out again. around 2 or so.
theres is a duck pond beside the college football field that i want to take him to so we can talk and walk around at the same time. that way its not so awkward, and its one of my favorite places to go in this town. i think if hes confused about why were there he'll listen more closely.
ill update later
I miss the way my little toes
would nessle into the brown fuzzy carpet
so much warmth
so much security
all gone now.
between my toes
warmth even when it was cold.
when i rose from sleep
they'd touch the floor
happiness
on my way to eat breakfast with my happy family
security
when chasing big sis to play
love
when sleeping on it on a rainy day
content
where did the fuzzy carpet go?
your too young to know.
I lost my virginity yesterday.
so yes, i won one small battle with my boyfriend and told him no. again. oh well as far as im concerned he can kiss it if im truely not ready to do that yet.
im home now, but im about to sneek out in about an hour or so. you see, i have to sneek out because my curfew is 10, and well, thats just not enough time for a 17 year old girl to do what shes gotta do. But basicly i do it for the rush of doing something im not supposed to be doing. and the rush of getting away with it. ive snuck out at least 20 times and never been caught. and yes, im bragging because thats a worthy note to brag upon! my mother is the most paranoi, uptight, bitch you will ever meet, and yet she has no idea what i do till 5 in the morning while shes tucked away comfortably under her sheets.
anyway, i wrote a peom;
~~~
like the sound of the ocean leaves a shell
your love has left my heart
the waves of passion that once filled my ears
have now settled and resumed the tide.
the soft sand that would feel like silk against my skin
is now ridged and tough with bitterness and hate.
you drink your coffee slowly
as you glance up through your glasses
and when you see me sitting here
you remember all the love we shared.
one last sip, to the very last drop
until theres nothing but the scent
of something absent
but bitter taste remains
and my heart forever stained
~~~
until next time
ya, ok so the sequal sucked because my friends showed up at the *coffee house* sooner than i though, so im writing a post sequal entree to make up for it.
today is the day my boyfriend comes back for the weekend. I'm excited but a little nervous. And this is where I turn on the honesty. uncensored so watch out.
im nervous because the only things weve ever done sexually were all to me, and this time, because i got my period, i feel like the pressure's on me to do something to him. its not a big pressure. but its definately there. Ugh, these are the only times that i start to feel like a teenage girl. see, last time we were together he wanted me to "return the favor" but i told him no, and that i wasnt ready. *weve only been dating for 3 weeks* and he was really sweet and understanding about it. thank god. but now i feel like the clock is ticking and i dont want to mess anything up so soon in our relationship by not doing it. Oh well, i know ill use good judgement when the time comes. Other than those issues, im searching for some speakers for my computer but all the one i want are over $30 so ill have to save for awhile. there are so many things im already saving for; a car, an xbox, and my trip next summer. yes, im saving for a car because im already 17 and no one is going to give me one, an xbox because i LOVE gaming and xbox makes some the best games, one in particular called halo that ive been wanting to learn for awhile. im also saving for a trip to europe that i plan on taking next summer after i graduate. i really want to go to france because i have a friend who was an exchange student from france and id like to go visit her. shes supposed to be coming here in august i believe, but who doesnt want an excuse to go to france. i also want to attend some sort of summer language school in nice to polish my french since im going to study it in college. i think im going to major in french and minor in linguistics. im fascinated by the whole subject. anyway, if the summer program goes well, i might study abroad or just repeat the program the next summer. im really looking forward to it. my boyfriend went to japan last year for two weeks (hes obsest with japanese culture and their language, much like me and the french, but he doesnt plan on studying it in college) and said it was the most exciting thing he'd ever done and he absolutely loved it. i asked him about the homesickness issue and he told me he was so disstraacted by everything he was learning he didnt have time to be homesick. im sure id find the time. its not that im really close to my mother. im not. its just that ive found that i have a huge comfort zone and its extremely hard for me to step out of it. well i guess i'll find out next summer
until next time---
I dont have enough time to finish this blog but im going to start anyway.
today at work was generally boring. However, im a strong believer that each day holds its own suprises and todays suprise was my sisnter runing out of gas and me having to clock out and go help her. it was quite the adventure. I'm at a local coof house